MARAUDERS: The Untold Story
by Schlongs and Padfood
Summary: Is Peter really gay? Is Remus really incapable of getting a woman? Is James really that much of a bastard? Is Sirius really going to eat the last peice of chocolate orgasm? Was Snape's underwear, at one time, WHITE? .. FIND OUT!
1. Barry Manilow, Olga, and Star Wars

A/N: Whee. We usually write incredibly odd fics like this together. I would warn you that this fic is chock-full o' sexual content and swearing, and a few inside jokes. But it's still a good lay. So if you find these kinds of things insulting, I would like to advise you to go away. Now.  
  
Disclaimer: WE DO NOT OWN ANY OF HARRY POTTER. J.K. Rowling does.  
  
When the four notorious troublemakers hopped into the common room that morning three of them looked as though they had just discovered a horrible secret. The fourth wheel, which isn't really a bad thing being as there is generally two or four wheels on something, simply sat there. No, Peter had not revealed his homosexuality, they had known for a long time that Remus suffers from lycanthropy, James had not just admitted to secretly having a crush on Snape and Sirius was not really James' future son's father. Peter had eaten the last cupcake, and as a result Sirius had tried to kill him. This involved a long, unexplored plot line in which Sirius went to Azkaban and escaped predictably, only to return to Hogwarts in an illogical chain of events that made no sense. Since the reader is obviously -very- confused at this point, let's have another character enter, shall we, and m ove this thing along? Therefor, for the sake of the reader and author's sanity, the four suddenly looked up to see:  
  
A big-chested, beautiful girl who was very beautiful.  
  
"Hello. My name is Olga. I come from Sveeeeeden!", she said cheerfully, her eyes going up in a '^_^' position.  
  
The four noticed that she was wearing a little tiny dress and liederhosen, her blonde hair in braids. Sirius gaped at her, drool dripping out of the corner of his mouth. James, who had a very similar expression on his face, glared at Sirius and used his magical best friend telepathic communication skills to tell Sirius to back off. Five minutes later, this exchange resulted in Sirius and James rolling around on the floor strangling each other. Olga blinked and decided to change her clothes. ....In front of everyone. Of course, Remus was reading, Peter was eating, and James and Sirius had stopped fighting and had a gay drunken affair. Poooor Olga. And just then, guess who entered the room? Why, no other than..  
  
Barry Manilow! Yes, Barry Manilow. Aren't you awed by my casting choices now? Of course you are. Anyway, as Remus read, James and Sirius had wild gay sex, Peter ate, and Olga whacked off quietly to Tatu songs in the corner, Barry Manilow burst into.  
  
"Ta-dah!" he proclaimed loudly, bowing.  
  
Remus was the only one who looked up.  
  
"Barry Manilow? An American seventies pop sensation? You think -that's- impressive? We've got the future Pamela Anderson in the corner," stated Remus blankly.  
  
Barry ignored him and burst into song. "Ooooh Mandy," he slung an arm around Remus' shoulder, "well you caaame and you gaaave without taaaaking, but I sent you awaaay, oh Mandy.."  
  
Remus slid out from under Barry's arm and returned to reading his book which was titled "SO YOU'RE THE ONLY SANE ONE IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE". Barry glared. Sirius looked up from James' ass and stared at Barry.  
  
"Can I help you?"  
  
An incredibly disturbing expression fell over Barry's face, and he began to breathe heavily. "Yes........you see..........Remus. ....I am........your father."  
  
Remus blinked. "Er........ 'kay"  
  
"But..aren't we going to embrace or...cry or....anything?"  
  
"I am reading, fux0r."  
  
"God. You're just like your mother. And to think I wanted to record an album with you." Barry huffed and stood up, stomping out the door. 


	2. James is Larger than Life

It was at that moment that the gang and Olga decided to outside. Why? Well, because James was bored and like every person who's bored does, he felt like flirting with the hogwarts student body and perhaps some of the staff. Sirius also wanted to flirt, but Remus and Peter did not. This had no real logic behind it; perhaps it was because Remus was a poor, angst-ridden werewolf with no real friends (apart from, of course, his three great and loyal, wonderful friends) and Peter was fat.  
  
It was at that moment Lily Evans ran by. Lily is gorgeus, stunning, and gorgeous. Olga snorted, however, because Lily is far flatter-chested than she is. Lily was, predictably, singing.  
  
"Where have all the good men gone, and where are all the gods?"  
  
Every female in the area pointed at Sirius at the word 'gods'.  
  
"Where's the street-wise Hercules to fight the rising odds?"  
  
Everyone pointed at Remus.  
  
"Isn't there a white knight apon a firey steed?"  
  
Everyone pointed at James.  
  
"I need a hero! I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night! He's gotta be strong and he's gotta be fresh from the fight!"  
  
All fingers stayed pointing at James.  
  
"I need a hero I'm holding out for a hero till the morning light He's gotta be sure and he's gotta be soon And he's gotta be larger than life!"  
  
At 'larger than life', all fingers moved to James' genital area. Lily abruptly stopped singing.  
  
"Anyone?" She asked. "Any ideas at all?"  
  
A bright Las Vegas worthy light appeared that read 'JAMES POTTER' and flashed incessantly. Lily ignored it.  
  
"Oh, alright."  
  
She began snogging Severus Snape. 


	3. WOW YOU HOT

James stared at Lily, bright lights appearing in his eyes.  
  
"STOP THAT!", he snapped at Peter, who was shining a flashlight in his eyes. He sighed and stared at Lily's ass. "...I want to touch the hiney."  
  
Remus blinked and rolled his eyes. "James is very romantic, no?"  
  
Sirius giggled manishly. "I don't see YOU getting any women."  
  
And with that comment, Remus rose to the challenge like he always did. Well, not really, but still. Remus leapt into the air and landed in front of a convieniently close group of hot hottie girls. He put on his puppy dog eyes.  
  
"I AM SO ANGST-RIDDEN. AND THERE IS NO ONE TO LOVE ME."  
  
And with that, all the girls were running their hands through his hair and saying things like, 'You poor baby' and 'So cute' and 'I just want to screw you and bear your children and stuff like that.' and 'Wow you hot'. Remus looked at Sirius smugly, only to see that his efforts had been in vain, for Sirius was...  
  
currently sexing up the entire seventh year. Yes, even the guys. They could not resist his Sirius charm! Who can? That long, sexy hair, that sexy, sexy smile, the way he even looks handsome when he's 'bored and haughty under a tree with his three best friends'! Upon seeing Sirius and the rest of the seventh-years, the group of hot girls snorted and promptly slapped, beat, pinched, glared at, and kicked-in-the-groin Remus, declaring "PSSH! WEREWOLF LOSER!" Were he not whimpering on the floor in pain he probably would have wondered how they knew he was a werewolf. He decided it must've been James or Sirius after they got completely plastered and had gay sex.  
  
He looked over at Peter, who was...  
  
..eating fudge.....off of a hot sexy model. Remus blinked and facepalmed. "Oh, my aching crotch."  
  
Oblivious to this happening, Lily Evans was still playing hard to get.  
  
"I hate you, James. Please stop putting your hands in my vaginal area even though my hand is currently firmly wedged in your pants."  
  
James was sad, hurt, and lonely. No one cared, because they had all reached the unanymous descision that James is an asshole. They were convinced that sometimes he parked in handicapped spaces, while handicapped people made handicapped faces.  
  
"You bastard! We all hate you!" exclaimed the authors of every Lily/OC fic everywhere.  
  
James curled into an angst-ridden ball and cried. Lily laughed cruelly, but of course she did not -really- laugh cruelly. Her laugh, thought Severus Snape, was like the tinkling of a bell! He remembered something his mommy had once said: Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. Okay, so that was not what his mommy had said. His mommy had actually said 'everytime you masturbate, god kills a kitten. THE KITTENS, SEVERUS, THE KITTENS!' She had then beaten him violently over the head with a toaster. As a result, he was a reclusive child hated by the Marauders. Every fanfic author ever pitied him immensely and pointed out how far superior to James Potter he was. James threatened to kill himself, yet glared as no author made any move to stop him.  
  
Lily, who had moved over between Sirius and Remus, looked up at the two expectantly. Remus cleared his throat before bursting into song.  
  
"Er....ANDD IIIIIIIIIIIiiiiIIIIII WIIIIILL ALWAYSSS LOOOOVE YOOOoOOOooOUUU AAAAAAAAALWAAAAAAAAAAYS LOOOOOOVEEEE....YOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUU!"  
  
He was actually quite good, until on the last 'YOOOOOOU' his voice cracked and broke several windows. Lily blinked and looked to Sirius, who coughed.  
  
"Er....You hot. I want to rape you."  
  
"Oh, Sirius, you're so romantic!"  
  
And with that, they began to make out and grope each other.  
  
Remus cleared his throat again. "LILY. I HAVE ROSES FOR YOU!"  
  
"OH, REMUS!" cried Lily, leaping into Remus' arms and kissing him passionately.  
  
Sirius looked as if he was about to cry. He was NOT going to lose a hot girl to Remus, even if she was James' future spouse. "BUT LILY...I'M MADLY IN LOVE WITH YOU!"  
  
James stormed up. "STFU NEGRO!" And with that, he grabbed Lily and dragged her away to have sex. 


	4. The Wedding Planner

As James dragged the screaming-bloody-murder Lily off to... uh... Toronto, Sirius blinked.  
  
"That's it. I'm turning gay."  
  
Remus stared as Sirius promptly began making out with Professor Flitwick. Kali wondered if she was entirely sure Professor Flitwick is even a guy. She decided she didn't care. It was then Peter ran over.  
  
"REMUS!" He exclaimed giddily. "LOOK WHAT I DID!"  
  
He pulled up ihs sleeve to reveal five thousand Dark Marks along with a tatoo that read "MOM". Remus stared.  
  
"You joined the death eaters?"  
  
"Yes!" Peter said, nodding.  
  
Remus patted him on the head [;D!]. "Good boy." He gave Peter a peice of cheese.  
  
Peter ate it. He promptly went from being STUNNINGLY HOT to old, fat, and bald. He kicked Remus in the groin.  
  
"WHERE MY MULLET?" He exclaimed, grabbing the pocket-mirror from the flamingly-homosexual Sirius' pocket.  
  
"DAMN YOU CHEESES FOR MAKING US THIS WAY!"  
  
Lily and James, oblivious of Peter becoming a Death Eater and plotting to kill them, fornicated wildly in the corner.  
  
"OH LILY!" said James.  
  
"OH JAMES!" said Lily.  
  
"OH MINERVA!" said Dumbledore.  
  
After moving away from Dumbledore and Minerva, they had wild, wild monkey sex in front of little children and cute forest animals in the Forbidden Forest.  
  
"OH LILY. I WANT TO KEEP YOU AND HAVE SEX WITH YOU FOREVER. LETS GET MARRIED, 'KAY?"  
  
"....'KAY."  
  
"I'M GONNA HANG YOU NAKED FROM THE CEILING AND BEAT YOU WITH CHAINS!"  
  
".....'KAY"  
  
Returning from the forest looking oddly happy and with messed up hair [then again, James' hair is always messed up] James promptly grabbed Sirius and dragged himf rom Flitwick.  
  
"I'm getting married."  
  
"So?"  
  
"You're being my best man."  
  
"Damnit, James, I was scoring."  
  
"Dude, that's Flitwick."  
  
"So?"  
  
"Whatever."  
  
James grabbed Sirius and Lily and dragged them to Peter and Remus. Remus, sprawled on the ground once more, whined something about being sterile and everyone wanting all of his balls to die. James kicked him for good measure.  
  
"Get up, wolf-boy, we're getting married."  
  
Remus stared. "I'm marrying you?"  
  
"No, bastard," corrected James, the bastard everyone hates, "Lily and I are. And you and Peter are being in the wedding party 'cause you hot and I said so."  
  
Remus beamed. "It will be an hon--"  
  
"STFU! NO ONE ASKED YOU TO SPEAK!" Sirius pressed a button that promptly activated Remus' shock collar. Remus returned to submissive quietness and Sirius was oddly aroused. 


	5. This chapter is so wonderful words fail ...

THREE DAYS LATER...  
  
Remus stood at the altar of Hogwarts Church dressed up like a priest. Yes, Hogwarts has a church. YOU DARE QUESTION THE ALMIGHTY AUTHOR? Anyway, they couldn't get a REAL priest on such short notice so Remus got a priesting liscense off the internet.  
  
James stood nervously at the front of the church, quite aware that every single person in the church was staring at him. And since the entire student body and all the professors were in the church...there were a lot of people staring at him. Yeeep.  
  
AND THEN...The music stuff began to play, and Peter pranced out in his pretty flower girl dress and threw rose petals as he went. Yes, because of the inexplicable lack of female characters, Peter is the flower girl. Then some bridesmaids I don't feel like naming walked down the aisle, all escorted by Sirius, who had 2 girls on each arm. Dont ask me how that's possible, because it was. "Here Comes the Bride" began to play, and James began to feel very nervous. Lily began to walk down the aisle, dressed in a beautiful sleeveless white gown that had been A) no doubt been very expensive, or B) Lily stole it off a corpse.  
  
Anyway, she looked beautiful. There were flowers in her hair, which was let down and was long and flowing down her back, a rich chestnut colour. Her eyes looked like big green freshly mown front lawns on a summer's morning. She looked like an angel.  
  
The only thought going through James' mind was 'I have the biggest boner EVER.'  
  
Lily walked down the isle, escorted by Snape. Yes, Snape. Usually, it would be her father, but seeing as she was in a racy affair with Severus she would rather arm-link HIM. Anyoo, she reached the end of the alter and winked at James, who looked ready to pass out or have sex. Sirius' jaw was dropped in a 'I am fucking jealous, you bastard' way, Remus was wishing he hadn't become a preist so he could pursuade one of the bridesmaids to sleep with him, and Peter did not care because he doesn't like girls.  
  
Remus droned on about the wedding speech thing, and, as predicted by every reader -ever-, when he got to the part about speaking now or forever hold your peace, another person burst into the room.  
  
This person was unmistakeably ugly. Her carrot-y red hair was frizzy and curly, like a natural afro that went to her elbows. Her lipstick was a bright shade of pink and her eyebrows needed plucking badly. Her white would-be wedding dress resembled a white garbage bag and made several old men in the back of the church vomit in a corner.  
  
She was also unmistakeably Lily Evans.  
  
"WTF?"  
  
James looked at the beauty beside him. It was then he noticed that really she looked nothing like Lily, particularly because her hair was chestnut brown and Lily was a redhead. The would-be-Lily, who had nearly married James, cackled insanely and turned into ... Professor McGonagal!  
  
"Ahahaha!" Exclaimed McGonagal, relishing in the utter revoltion on every male's face, "NOW you see why I teach transfiguration!"  
  
With that she promptly disapparated. James turned back to the much-less- pretty -real- Lily Evans. Lily gave him a look that implied he would not be getting any on their honeymoon. 


End file.
